Dear followers and especially submitters,
When I first got this idea towards the end of November, I thought I was absolutely insane. Yes, it seemed good, but how in the world was it ever going to work? How was I going to find the time for it to be worth it?
And then I did it anyway.
And you came. You submitted and followed and reblogged and showed more support than I had let myself hope for. And you won my heart. Every submission that came in put a warm glow in my heart, regardless of whether it made me ache for you or made me smile. And yes, know that I read them all.
Ultimately, this is one last letter to say thank you. Thank you for having the strength to say what you need to say, and thank you for choosing the share it with me. I know sometimes you don’t think twice about it and sometimes your fingers tremble at the thought of letting it go, but either way, I genuinely and whole-heartedly thank you.
See you next year,
I feel like I should miss you, but I don’t. And I’m not sorry that I don’t. I think that you were the best first boyfriend I could have had, and I’m grateful for everything that you gave to me through that, but I don’t want or need you in my life anymore. You taught me how to be loved and how to call someone mine and that I was beautiful. And yes, sometimes I miss what we had so much it hurts but I don’t miss you. Because you’re not who you were then, and I’m not either, and there’s no point in pretending and trying to masquerade into each others lives just because we were once the point those lives revolved around. I want to remember it how it was: isolated and beautiful and a world of its own—summer evenings spent in parks and winter nights spent in bookshops with mugs of hot cider—without any pretense or tainting of how things are now. So no, I don’t want to see you, and I don’t feel like we need to pretend we want each other back, and I hope that that’s okay with you.
My gosh, there are so many people that I’d like to write to, so many things that I have left unsaid for so long, how am I supposed to choose just one? You. You are everyone. You are the boy I loved once and ran away from because I couldn’t handle commitment. And look at where we are now. Broken up for almost a year, me completely over it, but you still constantly breathing down my neck, watching every move I make. Because you care? Or because you can’t seem to let me go? Please just let me go. You. You are my parents who will never be proud of me. You are my sister whom I care about so much but don’t know how to reach out to. You are the boy I wanted for so long, but then felt nothing when you kissed me. You are the boy I just met, desperate attraction, I feel like I’m so close but never close enough to touch. Why are you playing games with me? In the end we will mean nothing to each other. And that’s just how I like it. You are me, 8 years ago. Alone, lost, ashamed. You are me now, still alone, still lost and still ashamed. I’ve just learned how to deal with it better. This is to all of you. What if I had the courage to scribble down my thoughts. Stitch them together with words I barely know how to use, stick them in an envelope and mail them out to you? My whole self, laid bare for you to see? What if I stopped caring about what others thought and said what I wanted to say? I will never know.
You have been thrown (and thrown yourself) in and out of my life to varying degrees for almost a year. Now we are a compromise, teetering on the edge of what we had, what we destroyed, what want and don’t want and don’t know anymore. It is December and we are leaving each other for the holidays - I have a month to not see your face, not walk past your road, not see your friends or hear your name, not go to the places we used to own. I have a month to try to get over you.
Please, please, if you don’t want me to, then don’t let me leave without telling me. Please.
I thought that what we had was perfect. We could stay up all night, just talking, enjoying each others’ company. You said it made you sad when I wasn’t around. You called me “beautiful” and “amazing.” When you kissed me or held me close, it was like nothing else mattered.
But then everything changed. Suddenly you decided you didn’t feel the same way. You said you never did. I wish you would have given me some hint instead of just springing it on me. I wish I would have known.
Now I just wish I could know, was it all a lie? Did you enjoy playing with my heart & ripping it in two?
I miss you, and it kills me to know you’ve found someone new after only a few weeks. Can’t you see how much it hurts me?
I just want to get over you.
My beloved Mother,
You are the one who gives me strength every second of this life. I can’t see, touch or hear you, but you are always with me. You are so beautiful. When I look at your photos, I see myself. That’s my reminder of us. I wish you were here and could see how far I’ve come in life.
Thank you for being who you are.
May God bless you and may you rest in peace!
I wish you would understand why you’re wrong. I wish you would understand why you need to stop hiding yourself in your relationships, why you need to be alone for awhile so you can understand yourself and what you don’t see that I see. I wish you didn’t only need me in between girlfriends. I wish you knew how much that hurts.
Most of all I wish you listened.
Exciting news: we’ve almost reached enough submissions to have this project last the rest of the month. If you haven’t yet contributed, or have but still have something left to say, please consider taking part to help us in the home stretch!
I’ve decided that I will keep taking submissions through the 31st, regardless of whether posts stretch the entire time or not, so that any of you may say what you need to say.
It felt terrible walking out of that room and knowing I would never see you again. But you didn’t know. You never did. You didn’t even know me.
I wished for those hours to stretch and seem endless, but they never would. Did you wish for that, too? Probably not. You didn’t even know me.
I wanted you to see me. I felt like you did, but I was never sure.
I wanted to know you. I wanted to lie on your floor and tell you everything I hold dear. My secrets, my hopes, my regrets. But I never did. I never made a move.
I wanted to just be. To exist with you in a quiet room and not worry about the stillness. I wanted to hold you at your waist and bury myself in your embrace, but I didn’t. I wanted to find comfort in your arms and solace in your smile, but I never did. Oh, how I wish I had.
My regret for my silence follows me. What would you have done if I had told you? Would you have understood?
That would have been enough for me.
- the wondering of a lonesome soul
3 months today.
I hope you have been given good fortune for once and taken it in your hands and made happiness your own to build upon.
You said a few months, and my technical mind holds on to the fact that a couple is 2 and a few is 3 or more. Like a child, I hold on still.
Be who I know you are. I miss you every day.
The girl you’ve climbed mountains for